We’ll start with a story:
The son in the story was about to have a birthday. His father had been planning for a long time to make it an unforgettable birthday for the child. In the afternoon of the birthday, the father took his son to the amusement park.
The amusement park was bustling with noise. There were stilt – walking clowns, beautiful balloons, and a distant roller coaster. The father thought the plan was excellent. However, the son was unenthusiastic. After playing for a while, he started to fuss about going home, not showing any appreciation. This made the father frustrated and annoyed. But since it was the child’s birthday, he could only dejectedly plan to carry the child back.
When he squatted down to pick up his son, he was surprised to find that from the son’s perspective, the whole amusement park was rather dull. All kinds of legs formed a well – like space. The son was at the bottom of the “well,” craning his neck. Occasionally, he saw balloons floating by the “well” mouth and heard the cheers from the distant roller coaster.
“So, my son’s perspective is completely different from mine,” the father realized. After that, he put his son on his shoulders, and the father – son duo had a very enjoyable afternoon at the amusement park.
The father’s words revealed the theme of our discussion today – “synchronization”.
What is Synchronization?
The “synchronization” mentioned here is called “empathy” in psychology. In parent – child communication, it perhaps requires us to set aside our own perspectives, wishes, and ideas, stand in the child’s position, and truly enter the child’s world to understand.
Although this is extremely important for parent – child communication and even all interpersonal communication, it is often overlooked. In fact, without achieving “synchronization,” no matter how good the starting point and attitude are, there will be a sense of frustration in communication: I’ve tried so hard, but the other party still doesn’t appreciate it.
How to Achieve “Synchronization”?
- Listen Equally and Attentively
In the famous 1980s sitcom Growing Pains, when the parents talked to the youngest child, Ben, they were used to putting him on a table so that the child could look at them eye – to – eye. This action was particularly appealing because it was the first time many people realized that when talking to a child, one should be so serious, interact attentively and equally.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that once the child starts talking, you need to drop everything and focus completely. You can make a judgment. If you think what the child is saying is important, you should put down what you’re doing and communicate with him attentively.
Or, you can set aside 15 or 30 minutes every day. This is the time when you focus on being with your child. - Don’t Rush to Give Feedback or Solutions
The things children tell their parents often seem like small and easily – solvable matters to us. For example, “I had an argument with my deskmate today.” At this time, parents may naturally tell the child, “Don’t quarrel” or “If he bullies you, don’t talk to him anymore.” Parents think that by telling the child what to do, the child can solve the problem the next day.
In fact, being too eager to give feedback or solutions has several drawbacks:
It only focuses on problem – solving and fails to pay attention to the emotional level. If you can listen quietly, during the process, you can understand how the child views the matter, where the child’s concerns lie, and what the child’s experiences are, thus getting a chance to hear the child’s emotions.
Rushing to give advice or feedback deprives the child of the opportunity to solve problems on their own. Parents all hope that their children can master the skills of dealing with events and solving problems independently. If parents rush to solve problems for them every time, the children will have no chance to exercise their abilities. - Help Children Name Their Feelings
Especially for younger children, when facing complex or mixed emotions, they don’t know what emotions they are experiencing, let alone how to deal with them. This sense of being at a loss can indeed make people feel nervous.
At this time, parents need to help children digest those emotions they can’t handle. The first step is to tell the children what these emotions are. For example, “It sounds like you’re very wronged.” This makes the child know that the feeling after being misunderstood is an experience called “being wronged.” Once they know what they are facing, children also gain a certain sense of “control,” feeling that it’s not as bad as they thought, and will free up more energy to think about how to deal with this emotion. - Express “My” Feelings
What’s the difference between “you” and “I” expressions? You can understand from the following simple example.
The family had planned to go to the zoo, but the smog was extremely severe. The father thought it was too bad for the body and decided not to go today. The child got angry: “I really wanted to go, but you insisted on not going. What’s the big deal about this little bit of bad weather! Bad dad! I don’t like you!”
If you were that child, would you listen to this kind of expression?
“You child, why are you so unreasonable? Look at the weather. If you go out in such weather, you’ll start coughing again, and your nose will be uncomfortable. Why can’t you understand how good we are to you?”
Or would you listen to this?
I know you’re unhappy, but I still have to make this decision because I firmly believe it’s for your own good.
Yes. It’s easy to feel that the “you” expression sounds like a reproach. While the “I” expression actually tells the child what my feelings and thoughts are. Similarly, it implies, “I respect you. I know you’re unhappy. I respect you and believe you can understand me.”
Why Does “Synchronization” Sometimes Fail?
- You Don’t Truly “Synchronize”
Sometimes, you might say, “I can understand that you’re angry,” but do you really understand and empathize? Children are experts at handling non – verbal information. They can tell from your expression, actions, or even tone whether you’re being insincere.
If you can’t truly understand the child’s emotions, it is recommended that you can try, “Mom is a bit angry right now. I need some time to calm down.” It’s better to pause like this than to say something you don’t really believe. - Asynchrony of Non – verbal Information
It’s hard to understand, but an example will make it clear.
One day after school, the child came back and said, “The head teacher is too much. Even though it’s a holiday, he assigned so much homework,” and complained a lot about the teacher. At this time, the mother said, “Are you angry?” The child rolled his eyes and said, “You just realized that?”
What the mother failed to do was that her non – verbal information was not in sync with the child’s. When the child was complaining, it showed that the child’s emotional intensity was very high, perhaps reaching 80 out of 100. But the mother’s casual “Are you angry?” had an emotional intensity of only about 20. This gap in emotional intensity makes the child feel that the parent is perfunctory or doesn’t understand them at all.
Next time, you can say, “Wow! It really sounds like you’re very angry!” Maybe this is closer in terms of emotion.
