Those Familiar Moments of Self – Doubt
In life, there are countless scenarios of self – doubt. During class reunions, when seeing former classmates chatting eloquently, achieving success in their careers and having happy families, while you sit silently in the corner, unable to get a word in, you can’t help but wonder, “How did I end up living like this?” In the workplace, a new employee nervously presents a plan, but it is immediately rejected by the leader. Instantly, you feel that you may not be competent enough and start to question whether you are suitable for this job at all. Or perhaps after working hard for a long time, the performance is still not satisfactory. Watching colleagues around you get promoted one after another, you begin to doubt whether your efforts are meaningful. In relationships, when you send a message to your partner and don’t get a reply for a long time, you can’t help but think wildly. Did you do something wrong? Does the other person no longer love you? After an argument, even if you know it’s a trivial matter, you will still keep thinking about it. Is it because of your bad personality that conflicts occur frequently? These seemingly ordinary moments are like small hammers, tapping at the confidence deep in our hearts, making the “cohesive self” confused.
What is the “Cohesive Self”?
The concept of the “cohesive self” comes from the American psychologist Kohut. It is like a solid fortress deep in our hearts and is the core of self – cognition. It encompasses many key elements such as self – worth, ability, and belief, and is the “anchor” of our soul. When the “cohesive self” is stable, no matter how fierce the external storms are, we can stick to the peace in our hearts and firmly believe in our own value and direction. Conversely, once it becomes fragile, those minor setbacks and casual comments from others can be like a flood breaking through a dam, instantly shattering our confidence and allowing self – doubt to spread wantonly.
Analysis of the Root Causes of Self – Doubt
The breeding of self – doubt often has many sources. Growth experiences are like the cornerstone, laying the initial color of confidence in our hearts. Children who are frequently criticized by their parents and strictly required by their teachers in childhood find it difficult for their inner sense of self – worth, like a seedling constantly buffeted by wind and rain, to grow strong. For example, when a child happily shows his painting to his parents but only gets a response like “What kind of painting is this? It’s not as good as that of the child next door.” Over time, the child will unconsciously internalize this evaluation, be full of doubts about his own abilities, and when facing any creative activities in the future, that self – denying feeling will emerge first.
Social comparison is also a “catalyst” for self – doubt. In the era of information explosion, the carefully polished “perfect lives” of others on social media constantly impact our vision. Looking at the high – paying jobs, sweet romances, and global travels shown by peers, and then looking at our own ordinary daily lives, the psychological gap widens instantly. We can’t help but think, “Why are others living such exciting lives while I’m so mediocre?” However, we don’t realize that behind those seemingly perfect facades, there may also be unknown troubles and hardships. This one – sided comparison makes us sink deeper and deeper into the whirlpool of self – doubt.
The tendency towards perfectionism is also one of the “culprits”. People who uphold perfectionism set extremely high, almost harsh standards for themselves. When writing an article, they carefully consider every word and sentence, not allowing even a single punctuation mark to be wrong. When working on a project, they strive for every detail to be perfect, and if there is the slightest flaw, they will completely deny their efforts. They don’t know how to accept the imperfections in the process and always cling to that unattainable “ideal state”. Once there is the slightest deviation between reality and the ideal, self – doubt will come flooding in, washing away the little confidence accumulated before.
The Battle between the Cohesive Self and Self – Doubt
However, even though self – doubt follows us like a shadow, the “cohesive self” deep in our hearts is not completely helpless. Those with a strong “cohesive self” can quickly mobilize their inner strength when facing external doubts and setbacks, turning self – doubt into an opportunity for growth. Just like an entrepreneurial hero, in the face of multiple difficulties such as shortage of funds, a cold market, and low team morale, with voices of pessimism all around, self – doubt may have quietly emerged. But the “cohesive self” in his heart played a role at a critical moment, enabling him to calm down and analyze the problems, draw lessons from failures, adjust strategies, and break through difficulties step by step. This power of perseverance in the face of difficulties and progress in the face of doubts stems from his deep – seated belief in his own value and his dedication to his dreams, vividly demonstrating a strong “cohesive self”.
Rebuilding the Cohesive Self and Breaking the Cycle of Doubt
(1) Self – Awareness: Discovering the Inner Voice
The journey of rebuilding the “cohesive self” begins with self – awareness. When you feel lonely and self – denying after a social gathering, don’t rush to sink into the emotional quagmire. Calm down and look back at the scene like an onlooker. Ask yourself: What triggered this emotion? Was it the inadvertent neglect of others or your own excessive sensitivity? When criticized at work, don’t just see the surface denial. Dig deep inside. Are you concerned about others’ opinions or worried about the obstruction of your career development? Try to develop the habit of keeping a diary. Every night before going to bed, record the moments that trigger self – doubt during the day, as well as the emotions and thoughts in your mind at that time. Over time, you will be able to keenly capture the “fuse” of self – doubt, which is the first step in breaking the cycle.
(2) Self – Acceptance: Embracing Imperfection
Self – acceptance is the rain and dew that nourishes the “cohesive self”. Understand that no one is perfect, and mistakes and deficiencies are marks of growth. The literary giant Hemingway’s early works were repeatedly rejected. If he had fallen into the abyss of self – doubt because of these setbacks and constantly criticized himself, the literary world might have missed a master. He accepted the setbacks on his creative path, drew nourishment from each rejection, and finally became a legend. The same is true for us. When we fail an exam or mess up a project, don’t just blame ourselves. Tell yourself: This is an opportunity for growth. Although I’m not perfect, I’m always moving forward. Let go of overly high expectations of yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes, and embrace yourself at the moment with a tolerant heart. Only in this way can the “cohesive self” grow strong in a warm embrace.
(3) Positive Self – Talk: Rewriting the Inner Script
Rewrite the inner script with positive self – talk and inject strength into the “cohesive self”. When washing up in the morning, looking at yourself in the mirror, don’t focus on dark circles or pimples anymore. Instead, smile and say, “I’m full of energy today and will surely achieve something.” When encountering a difficult problem and the thought of giving up just pops up, immediately refute it in your heart: “I have the ability to solve problems. I’ve overcome challenges before, and this time is no exception.” Remove “I can’t” and “I can’t do it” from your daily vocabulary and replace them with “I’ll try” and “I can work hard”. Over time, these positive words will reshape your subconscious mind, making the color of confidence more intense and becoming a solid shield for the “cohesive self” to resist doubt.
(4) Setting Feasible Goals: Accumulating Success Experiences
Setting feasible goals according to your own situation is the cornerstone of strengthening the “cohesive self”. If you want to learn a foreign language well, don’t set the ambitious goal of “mastering it in one month” at the beginning. Instead, plan to recite 20 words and practice one passage of listening comprehension every day. The same goes for fitness. Start with light exercise three times a week, 30 minutes each time. The achievement of each small goal is an affirmation of yourself, like shining stars dotting the sky of confidence. With the accumulation of success experiences, the “cohesive self” will become more determined. When facing the unknown, you will no longer be easily overwhelmed by self – doubt, but will move forward bravely with courage.
Embarking on a New Journey of Confidence
When we embark on the path of rebuilding the “cohesive self”, it is like lighting a lamp in the dark. Although it can’t dispel all the haze instantly, the light will gradually illuminate the way forward. Every insight into self – doubt, every acceptance of the imperfect self, every positive self – talk, and the achievement of every small goal is adding fuel to this lamp. Please believe that as long as you persevere, the you who once wandered in self – doubt will eventually grow into a person with inner certainty and full confidence, fearlessly facing every challenge in life and writing your own wonderful chapter.
