The Ignored Struggles
A few days ago, the folks at the Content Lab had a free – flowing brainstorm. Some unmarried, childless 小伙伴，whose genders were often ambiguous, started chatting about the depression situation among new mothers. We recalled a scene from Homeland where Carrie almost drowned her baby after giving birth.
People usually prefer to see happy, caring, and loving mothers – most of the time. However, there’s still a small group of mothers – those facing physical and psychological hardships – who need to be heard, seen, and understood. This minority deserves a supportive environment.
This time, we’re not going to do hardcore science popularization. Instead, we’ve found a “lighter” article. Nineteen mothers diagnosed with postpartum depression or depressive mood shared their inner monologues in it, expressing the most direct, pure, and real feelings.
May all babies and mothers truly feel happy.
1. My Son Prefers My Husband, and It Breaks My Heart
“I sometimes feel like picking up a baseball bat and smashing the windshields of cars along the way. At other times, I feel like I’m trapped in a thick spider web, trying to call for help but no one hears me. This feeling is especially strong when my child wants to get close to me, but I can’t treat him the way I want. When I realize my son prefers my husband, I can hear my heart breaking.” – Ali, CA
2. I Put My Son in the Crib and Immediately Called My Partner
“I was lying in bed, trying my best to lull my six – month – old son to sleep. I seemed to see many spiders crawling on my son. I was haunted by a sense of anxiety. I threw off the quilt and slapped it hard. When I put the quilt back, I began to realize there were no spiders. I felt something was wrong. I put my son in the crib and immediately called my partner. We went to the local hospital together, and the doctor told me I had postpartum depression and post – traumatic stress disorder, and what I had just experienced was a brief psychotic episode.” – Anonymous
3. I Knew Vomiting Wasn’t Normal
“Three weeks after my baby was born, I started vomiting. I knew it wasn’t normal. I had a love – hate relationship with my daughter. Every time I felt this conflict, I had a strong urge to run away. I wanted to escape this situation. I knew what was happening to me wasn’t normal, right?” – Stephanie, CT
4. I Cry Secretly While Breastfeeding Her
“Every time I hear the baby cry, I feel like crying. The same goes for when I breastfeed her or rock her gently. My husband would ask me what was wrong, and I could only shake my head, and tears would stream down my face again. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.” – Lucy, Florida
5. Every Day I Wish I Could Get Rid of the Little One in My Belly
“I was giving my 15 – month – old daughter a bath. I was five months pregnant with my second baby. Every day, I had some terrible thoughts. Since I already had one child, I could just get rid of the second one. There was always a thought in my mind to get rid of the little one in my belly, although I knew this thought was completely wrong.” – Liz, NY
6. I Can’t Even Hear My Own Voice
“My seven – month – old son was crying in front of me. I felt like I never had any time to myself. He needed me so much and would only sleep on my arm, otherwise, he would cry non – stop. I felt my anger rising from my stomach to my shoulders and finally exploding. Although I had felt uncomfortable before, it was at that moment that I realized my condition was extremely bad.” – Kristin, WI
7. Since I First Held My Son, I Knew…
“The first time I held my son, I felt extreme helplessness. But I didn’t dare to tell anyone because I was afraid they would take my son away from me. It was not until four weeks later that I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.” – Sarah, WA
8. I Felt the Ground Beneath Me Collapsing
“On the second night in the hospital, I broke down. I hadn’t slept for 60 hours. The extreme pain during childbirth was like a trauma, eroding me. And the baby beside me was crying non – stop. I felt the ground beneath me collapsing. Even when I had the chance to sleep, I couldn’t help but stare into the darkness of the night. I deeply felt that I was being consumed by this darkness.” – Anonymous
9. I Didn’t Know the Birth of My Child Would Give Me Post – Traumatic Stress Disorder
“I knew it was wrong, but when I was taking a course at the parenting school, I had a strong urge to run away. I walked out of the classroom and kept running. I didn’t know what else to do to free myself from this numbness. I didn’t know that the birth of my child was such a huge trauma for me.” – Alicia G
10. I Can’t Express My Thoughts and I’m Extremely Confused
“I can’t express my thoughts and I’m very confused. I need to control myself extremely hard, which makes me a bit exhausted. I can’t sleep well, and I can’t get back to normal.” – Heidi, MI
11. It Took Me Many Years to Figure Out What Had Happened
“It really took me many years to figure out what had happened before. It was after the birth of my second daughter that I finally had a sense of clarity. Looking back on the past four years, starting from the birth of my first child, my feelings, the way I treated my family, and my daily life all seemed so abnormal. I was so helpless back then.” – Katherine, WI
12. What Kind of Mother Would Have Such Thoughts
“Before being discharged from the hospital, the doctor told me to notify the hospital if I still felt abnormal after two weeks. I counted the days as the two – week period passed, but my negative emotions didn’t improve at all. I could only wait. I couldn’t sleep, and I cried a lot. All my friends had successfully transformed into ideal mothers. Why couldn’t I? I still remember when I was carrying my son downstairs, suddenly the image of my child falling down the stairs and crying loudly appeared in my mind. I immediately held him tighter. What kind of mother would have such thoughts! I felt like a monster. I couldn’t tell anyone my thoughts because they would take my child away. That’s when I realized I might have some postpartum mental disorder.” – Emily, MD
13. I Thought I Was Just Crazy
“I didn’t know I was experiencing postpartum psychological disorder. I just thought I was crazy. I never associated myself with postpartum depression because I didn’t feel depressed at all, at least not like what I thought depression was. Finally, I went to see a psychotherapist. I thought she would call the police when I told her my thoughts and emotions. But she just looked at me with understanding and calmness. She told me I had intrusive thoughts, which was one of the symptoms of postpartum anxiety. We could overcome it together. That was the beginning of my recovery. She saved me.” – Katherine, GA
14. I Thought I Was Anxious Because I Was Going Back to Work
“A week before my maternity leave ended, I started having intrusive thoughts and the accompanying anxiety. I thought I was anxious because I was about to go back to work, and my husband would also work late and have no time to take care of the baby. Two weeks after going back to work, I started having panic attacks, and the intrusive thoughts got worse. Finally, I called my obstetrician for help.” – Lindsay, UT
15. I Just Felt a Surging Anger and Resentment
“My husband went out with friends on the weekend, while I had to stay at home to take care of the baby. I felt an extremely strong anger and resentment. Why did my life change completely after the baby was born, while he was not affected at all? Later, I sat down and started thinking about how many times I had cried in the past four months and how many times I had been troubled by these emotions. That’s when I realized I wasn’t the same person after giving birth.” – Bridget, NY
16. I Didn’t Want to Hurt Him, But I Felt Indifferent
“It was winter, and I was at home alone with my triplets. They were only six weeks old. I spent the whole day breastfeeding and changing their diapers, living like a robot. I knew I needed to be fully engaged and live in the moment. I had waited so long to become a mother, and now my dream had finally come true. But I didn’t feel anything. I loved them. I didn’t want to hurt them, but I didn’t feel anything, neither happy nor sad. I had been living an indifferent life like a robot since giving birth.” – Lisa, NJ
17. Traumatic Memories Kept Flashing Back for Months
“Two days after my son was born, I was rocking him to sleep and closed my eyes. The real world was getting farther and farther away from me. In front of me, there was only the scene of the delivery room and a sharp pain haunting me. Everything seemed so real. Every time I closed my eyes, I was instantly back in the huge trauma of childbirth. For the next few months, these memories kept flashing back in my mind.” – Courtney, MD
18. I Just Wanted to Return to Normal Life
“I thought I would cry when I saw my daughter for the first time, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to have any close contact with her. I handed her to my husband and wouldn’t change her diaper. I didn’t want to breastfeed her or hold her. I just wanted to return to my normal life as before.” – Sarah, MN
19. I Thought It Was My Fault
“I didn’t anticipate the occurrence of postpartum anxiety at all. So when I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and felt extremely drowsy, I thought this wasn’t me at all. I thought it was my fault. A week later, I thought of going to the hospital for help.” – Jessica, TX
Reminder
Postpartum depression, also known as postpartum blues, is a type of depression that women experience after giving birth due to physical and psychological factors. Symptoms include tension, doubt, guilt, fear, etc. In very rare and severe cases, there may be thoughts and actions of despair, running away from home, harming the child, or suicide.
There are many factors contributing to postpartum depression. Physiologically, when a woman is pregnant, her estrogen level rises. After the baby is born, the estrogen level drops rapidly, triggering emotional instability. Psychological factors include excessive worry about the baby, inability to cope with the busy postpartum life, difficulty in accepting the change of one’s own role, and lack of systematic support from family members.
If you or a new – born mother around you shows symptoms of postpartum or prenatal depression, remember to seek help from professional institutions in a timely manner. For physical problems, seek evaluation and help from a hospital. For psychological problems, you can come to Simple Psychology to find a psychologist.
